Dance of the Three-Legged Guar

A comedy adventure by Princess and Kateri


  • Join ex-Legion adventurer Arnand (Sorcha’s Breton Hunk) and his beautiful alchemist sister Evie (exclusive by Westly) in a romantic comedy! With Elves! Oh, okay, and zombies
  • Meet their friends: impulsive, job-hating Diren and runaway bride Gwen
  • Keep all four as companions, plus their pets wolf-dogs, and embark on a romance with either Arnand or Evie – that just might end in the most disastrous wedding in Tamriel
  • Travel to the Breton homeland of High Rock and a brand new village
  • Enjoy new interiors, including the stunning Charborne Cove, Arnand/Evie’s Balmora home and Diren’s Pelagiad apartment
  • Survive two unique, spectacular dungeon crawls in brand new locations
  • Command your own band of pirates and reap the rewards of adventure
  • Enjoy over 2000 lines of new, and often hilarious, dialogue – and over 40 new NPCs
  • Use all the companion features you’ve come to expect, and scripted situations that you might not have anticipated …

Dialogue: by Kateri and Princess Stomper
Faces: by Sorcha Ravenlock, Emma and Westly
Voice: by Edgar Greyshadow
Scripts: by Grumpy, DinkumThinkum, TheOtherFelix, Qarl, Pat, Princess & Kateri
Animations: RX31 and Qarl

The romance and adventure of the open is all well and good, sugarmuffin, but then it all gets a bit tiresome and I’d rather have a nice cup of something strong and hot in my own living room. And hold the cup.


One of the guests has a massive wolfhound and I’ve been petrified of dogs ever since I was a kid.
Yeah, it got so bad I had to see a priest. He even gave a name to it. Canophobia. I thought, great, now I’m scared of bamboo.


Then I looked at Julius, and I knew that … [*sob*] … that … he looks like a guar! I knew he looked familiar, I just couldn’t place it before.


So, why exactly did you join the bad guys?
For the variety, promotion prospects, and generous pension scheme


Oh my gods! That guy is so … DRUNK!

DOWNLOAD OPEN BETA /(Mirror) – Arnand story only OR PATCH if you already have the full version 0.94 beta
Please post feedback in this thread. Note: Only the Arnand story is playable to completion. The alternative “Evie” questline is unfinished.

Arnand can be found wandering outside in Seyda Neen. You will then have the choice of walking with him to Balmora (or taking the silt strider), or meeting him in Ebonheart.

Please note that this mod is not suitable for players under the age of 12. Supervisors of players aged 12-15 should decide whether this is suitable for their charge. In tone and content, it is similar to the television series Friends. In line with the BBFC ’12’ classification, it contains occasional strong language and implied sexual references, along with the ‘fantasy horror’ standard to Morrowind adventures. This mod requires Bloodmoon and Tribunal.



Typing ‘player->additem “1jw_bhcf_arnand_ring_pre” 1’ into the console will add to your inventory a ring that allows you to skip to three points in the plot, in case after playing the quest through a couple of times you want to start a new character without having to play again from the beginning. The points are the bit where you can choose to accept Arnand (or reject him in favour of Evie), the bit where Arnand proposes, and to just after the Joining ceremony.

Although it is suggested that you meet Arnand at seven-day intervals, it is not necessary that you wait that long between meetings. The week-long intervals are simply designed so that role-players can enjoy a “natural” timespan in the development of the story.



Arnand – face by Sorcha Ravenlock (Rhedd, Arathrax and Gorg and the rest of the better heads-team for the meshes, NeilV for help), hair by Don Salus.
Evie – face by Westly (custom), hair by Ren (coloured by Kateri).
Gwen, Diren and Piotr – faces by Emma (Arathrax, Faudau, Rhedd and Allerleirauh, Gorg) & Gwen hair. Persia by Zulzadug, hair by Ren.

Edgar Greyshadow (Arnand, actor in L.A.M. play)
Thinalphiel (actress in L.A.M. play)


  • Grumpy/Emma/DinkumThinkum/TheOtherFelix/Qarl et al for companion scripts, modified by Kateri & Princess
  • Other scripts: Qarl, Cortex, Pam, Nigedo, TheOtherFelix, CDCooley,TheLys, Noviere
  • AGM forum for the mod name
  • Korana for loads of stuff, including retextures of Alcar’s Imperial windows, various dresses including custom wedding dress, and misc items
  • mighty_joe_young for the meshes
  • RX31 for the animations (packaged by Qarl)
  • Barabus (http// Imperial Townbuilder resource, prepared and packaged by redwoodtreesprite
  • Loki the Grouch for Better Caldera: Inspiration for the Silver Fairy Inn
  • Phaedrus for the absinthe
  • Lochnarus for the deck of cards
  • Xeon for the couch
  • NOM team for Necessities Of Morrowind stuff
  • French Maid outfit: Skirt, Leotard and Boots Textures by Drakron.
  • Stocking Textures by James Leighton (Lord Alt Tab). Skirt and Leotard
  • Meshes by Lingarn. Stockings and Boots Meshes by James Leighton (Lord Alt Tab)
  • Gorg: tavern sound sample
  • Qarl for the water mesh
  • Dongle for the water pack
  • Leeloo for the tapestries
  • RTS for the mountain caves
  • Kagz for the stained glass windows
  • VagabondAngel for the glass windows
  • AnOldFriend for the bridge
  • Dave Humphrey for the screen icon
  • Mykul for the sitting pants, originally from Dwemer Skyglider (as used in The Regulars)
  • Erik J. Caponi, Fred Zeleny, Dan Ross, and Ricky Gonzalez for dialogue, advice and inspiration

Writers: Princess Stomper & Kateri … plus (all the people we ripped off, namely) Simon Pegg, Jessica Stevenson, Nick Frost, Richard Curtis, Ben Elton, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor, David Crane, Marta Kauffman (et al), and quite a few others. And that Berlitz language school ad. Thanks for that.


And I keep running out of words for “passionately”. Tried an online thesaurus – got “purblindly”, “jovially”, “jocundly”…???
“He pushes you up against the wall and kisses you jovially.”
Kateri, production note




The Bit Where You First Meet

Just outside the Census & Excise building in Seyda Neen, a handsome man in uniform is wandering around. Just as you walk past, he accosts you and accuses you of being an old friend of his sister! If you tell him you’re on your way to Balmora, he’ll offer to accompany you. If your character is experienced, he will just ask you to meet him in Ebonheart and disappear. If you tell him you’re busy, he’ll tell you he’ll see you in Ebonheart. If you (as a level 1 character) choose to go to Balmora with him, he’ll helpfully direct you all the way to Caius Cosades’ house. You can walk with him all the way (he’ll shout out instructions at crossroads along the way so you won’t get lost), or just take the silt strider. He’ll even pay his share. After pointing out Caius’ door, he’ll rush off home. It is worth taking the journey with Arnand to Balmora, and talking with him along the way as he’s not exactly short of conversation. He’ll even have a few words to say if you run into Tarhiel along the way.

The Bit With The Dragon

Go to the Six Fishes in Ebonheart, and Arnand will ask for your help to “defeat a dragon”. Lead him to the Grand Council Chambers and there is a door there that wasn’t there before you installed this mod – it’s an administrative office where the Duke’s assistants work. Sit back and watch the scripted sequence in which you get to understand exactly what he means by “dragon”. Taking Arnie’s advice to speak to the lady herself only reinforces your suspicions. She cannot be reasoned with! Speak to Arnand again and heed his suggestion to talk to the other one. She’ll present some new information that will resolve the issue. Arnand will then invite you back to the tavern for a well-earned drink. Back in the local, you and Arnand will have a short conversation, after which he’ll make his excuses and leave. Before doing so, he’ll invite you for a meal in Balmora’s Eight Plates.

The Bit Where Gwen Shows Up

If you turn up earlier than the week suggested by Arnand, he’ll give you the choice of meeting him later or having the meal there and then. If you choose to meet him then, he’ll tell you he can see the waitress coming. Wait for the Argonian serving girl to approach. If she takes too long, just click on her to get the message that your food is delivered – plates laden with food will appear on the table. You can sit down on one of the stools if you like. Go through all of Arnand’s topics in turn, until you are suddenly interrupted. A tearful runaway bride called Gwen will appear. Follow the prompts to speak to her. Arnand will offer to take her home to console her, after asking you to deliver a message to Hasphat Antabolis at the Balmora Guild of Fighters.

The Bit Where Diren Shows Up

Deliver the message to Hasphat (it shouldn’t interfere with any other of his dialogue) and then meet Arnand a week later back at Eight Plates. After a brief conversation, you will be interrupted yet again by the appearance of Arnand’s friend Diren. Speak to Diren. Diren is upset after catching his girlfriend in bed with his neighbour, so Arnand yet again is called away to console the distraught and rather drunken friend.

The Bit With Crassius’ Play

Meet Arnand as requested just outside Vivec Arena, and he’ll invite you into Vivec Arena Theater! There inside, a performance of ‘The Lusty Argonian Maid’ is in progress. Wait until it finishes (you can’t leave until it does) and Arnand will ask you to join him inside the marquee (tent in the corner of the arena) for a drink. Go inside the tent with him and go through his dialogue with him. If you mention ‘Little Secret’ he’ll make a pass at you. You can accept or politely decline, which will influence his future dialogue towards romantic or non-romantic.

The Bit Where Everyone Pretends

The following week, find Arnand in Ebonheart’s Six Fishes. After the two of you get very drunk together, Gwen will interrupt your conversation (again!) and tell you that she has kinda-sorta told her parents that she and Arnand are an item to get them off her back, and please could you both play along? The parents then duly appear. Follow the prompts to talk firstly to Sinia and then to Torlin. You will then be interrupted by Diren. Talk to Diren. Diren asks you to pretend to be his lover in order to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. You don’t have much choice in the matter! After that little indignity, Diren asks if he can ‘make it up to you’ by inviting you to Games Night at his house in Pelagiad the following week.

The Bit Where They Fall In Love

Go to Diren’s house in Pelagiad (the doorway is next to the well, same building as the trader) and speak in turn to Arnand, then to Diren, then to Gwen. Gwen will kick off a long conversation in which a card game is played and much alcohol is consumed. She will eventually burst into tears and tell everyone that her parents have given her the ultimatum of choosing a husband within a month or being disinherited! She disappears ‘to the bathroom’, leaving you to talk to Diren. Diren will then confess that he has secretly been in love with Gwen all along, but she overhears the conversation. Fortunately for him, the feelings are mutual and the two begin to kiss, ending the conversation.

The Bit Where Arnand Tells

You should then speak to Arnand. This is the Big Choice.

He will confess his feelings for you, which will be worded according to whether you accepted his earlier offer of a kiss on the theatre date. If you tell him that you’re in love with him too, he’ll invite you back to his house in Balmora. If you tell him that you need more time, he’ll offer to ‘hang out’ with you. If you tell him that actually you’re not interested, he’ll tell you he’s been offered a job back home in High Rock, and would you be kind enough to pop by his house in Balmora to say goodbye?

The Bit Where Evie Shows Up (After You Dumped Arnie, You Heartless Harpie!)

If you told Arnand you’re not interested, you should give him a few minutes/days/weeks to return home and then pop along to Balmora. His house is south of the River, and is easily identified as having the roof garden with tables and chairs, etc. on it. Go up the stairs and down the trapdoor to find Arnand inside. He’ll start an awkward conversation in which he gives you an old book and wishes you luck with your life, but typically the conversation is interrupted; this time by his sister Evie’s Dwemer Communicator. Whatever news she receives makes her absolutely hysterical, and all you can elicit out of her is that an experiment of hers has gone terribly wrong and that she must go at once to Molag Amur to rescue her ruined career. If you offer to help, it will unlock her quests. If you leave them to it, the mod ends. Assuming that you wish to continue (and pursue a romance with the beautiful Evie), her adventures continue [link to be inserted]. [**NOTE: in version 0.96, you will get a ‘Missing Reel’ message and it will jump straight to the Singles Night.**]

The Bit Where The Player Stalls

This covers the ‘need more time’ eventualities. Arnand will just have normal companion commands, and trail after the player. Every couple of days, he’ll ask for a ‘quick word’, which will unlock topics or generally advance the plot in some way. After a couple of weeks of this, he’ll pin the player down with an ultimatum: either return his affections or he’ll go back to High Rock.

The Bit Where Nobody Does It

Arnand has a ‘spell’ that can transport him and the player back to his house in Balmora. It’s generally advised that you leave any other companions somewhere safe at this point. On Diren’s landing there’s a chest with Arnand’s stuff in it, and some armour next to it that should level itself according to the player. You don’t have to take it but some of it might be useful. Use Arnand’s teleportation topic to go to his house in Balmora (or walk if you really have to). Once you arrive in his house in Balmora, you’ll be introduced to his adorable puppy Max and offered a drink. Arnand will then suggest that you go downstairs. It is advised that you save frequently from this point because there is a LOT of scripting going on.

Go down the trapdoor and enjoy the scripted sequence in which Arnie will make romantic overtures (and take both his and your own clothes off) and then bash his shin on the table! The mood entirely destroyed, he’ll ask you to walk him over to the bed. Walk over to his bed, and move/wait until he stands on the bed and then lies down upon it. You might have to take a step backwards into the corner for that part of the script to execute. Once he is curled up on the bed, talk to him again, and he’ll ask you to get some Snake Oil from the bathroom. Open the door behind the shelf with his toy soldier collection and close the freezer door to walk past the storage area into the bathroom. Between the bath and the toilet is a cupboard on the wall. Take the Snake Oil out of the cupboard and speak to Arnand again. Continue to speak to Arnand until you are invited to lie down next to him on the bed. Activate the bed and rest to continue the story.

The Bit Where Evie Shows Up

Having slept a while, speak to Arnand again who will then “wake up”. Continue the dialogue for a blackout/messagebox telling you that you and Arnand have finally made love. He’ll then declare today Naked Day and insist that you do not put any clothes on. He’ll then suggest that you go upstairs to the kitchen so he can make breakfast. Lead on back to the trapdoor into the kitchen.

[Beta note: there is a recurring crash bug here that despite our best endeavours we’ve never been able to resolve. If you click on Evie as fast as you can before going through the door, I’ve been told that prevents the crash.]

You will then be greeted by a scream, which in turn belongs to Arnand’s sister Evie who has unexpectedly arrived. Speak to Evie, and Arnand will pass you a robe which will automatically be equipped. Speak to Evie again to reassure her that you are now dressed, and after a brief dialogue exchange, she will disappear.

The Bit After The Bit Where Nobody Does It

Finally alone, dressed and in love, speak to Arnand again. You will get the remaining companion features and a handy Dwemer Communication Device (unless you stalled earlier and he gave it to you back at Diren’s house). The Communicator allows you to summon first Arnand, and then eventually Evie and Gwen, in the manner of popular companion-mod teleportation rings.

The Bit Before The Proposal

You can now use Arnand the way you can any other companion, and instruct him to follow/stay/fight/whatever. Every two days, he’ll ask you for a ‘quick word’, which will unlock new topics and features and generally advance the plot. You will have the option to go camping with Arnand, at one of several sites around Vvardenfell. You can also enjoy hundreds of lines of dialogue including greetings based on which cell you are in. Asking Arnand about a little advice will give you his opinions about various stages of the main quest.

The ‘quick word’ topic will eventually lead you to a request to go camping with Arnand. Say yes immediately, or finish whatever you were doing and use the ‘quick word’ topic again. He will then transport you to his yurt. Once there, have a ‘quick word’ again, and follow the proposal topic. You can stall him and continue as his companion for a while, or you can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Saying yes, of course, will advance the story and give you a pretty ring to wear. Saying ‘no’ will bring you back to Arnand leaving and the start of Evie’s quests.

The Bit With The Wedding Planner

Assuming you accepted Arnand’s proposal, you can now continue as normal, but with the family rock on your finger. Two days after the engagement, Arnand will receive a congratulatory call on his Communicator from Evie. Two days after that, Evie will appear at Arnand’s Balmora home. She will congratulate you both and then gush excitedly about wedding plans. Evie will ask for 2000 gold to cover your share of the wedding expenses, and if you don’t have it to hand, she will wait at the house until you bring it to her! As soon as you give her the dough, she’ll teleport off to start making arrangements, including the booking of Charborne Hall.

The Bit With The Shopping

Evie will reappear at Arnand’s house two days later and suggest that the two of you go shopping for outfits together. First you, Evie and Arnand will go to Eight Plates for some food, and have a conversation. Then Arnand goes home, which leaves you and Evie to wander off together to do some shopping. Your shopping trip can be as long or as short as you like, but Arnand will not join you on your adventures until you have chosen something. You also have the option of making use of Gwen’s wedding dress from when you first met her if your character is female. Once you have finished choosing your outfit, select the relevant topic (– Joining Outfit –) and tell Evie that you have picked your attire. Return to Arnie’s apartment to tell Arnand the good news. Now you, Arnie and Evie go to Eight Plates, where you run into Gwen. After a conversation, Arnand Gwen and Evie will teleport away, and Arnand will ask you to meet him at Six Fishes in a few days. Evie will ask you to bring along anything you need for the Joining.

The Bit With The Singles Night

You should bring or give Evie anything you want for the Big Day. You will have a couple of chances at the beginning of this stage in which to go back for anything you’ve forgotten, but speaking to Arnie and Evie in turn will advance the story once you are certain you have everything you need. If Evie prompts you about your outfit, click on the ‘–Joining Outfit–‘ topic to confirm that you have everything you want for the ceremony. When you join Arnand, Evie, Diren and Gwen in Six Fishes, it is your Singles Night. This, of course, is the customary pre-nuptial celebration which involves getting staggeringly drunk and telling all your secrets. An extended truth-or-dare session ensues, which will be highly amusing if you’ve also brought Constance and/or Julan along. After the extended dialogue, in which Diren and Gwen argue, Evie, Gwen, Diren and Arnand will teleport to High Rock. Ingvold Rolston, a guild guide, will appear to take you to Charborne Cove.

The Bit With Charborne Hall

The Guide transports you (and any companions) instantly to Charborne Cove in Anticlere, in High Rock. Here you’ll see a large stately home, a small chapel and a private cottage. You’ll be staying in the stately home and marrying in the chapel. Inside Charborne Hall, you will be greeted by Evie, who will ask you to lead on to the study where Gwen, Diren and Arnie are waiting. You can introduce yourself to Evie’s boyfriend Piotr if you like, but Gwen will take the story forward. In between celebratory sips of the local absinthe, Piotr is hypnotising the guests to help them overcome their phobias. Gwen explains about her childhood terror of dogs, and then Piotr tries to hypnotise Evie to stop her fear of the non-existent ‘squasps’. It doesn’t seem to work, so the companions agree to turn in for the night, with Gwen chastising Diren for falling asleep on the floor (of course, it is he and not Evie who has been hypnotised). Gwen, Diren, Evie and Piotr teleport to their respective bedrooms, and Arnie goes to the nearby Silver Fairy Inn for the pre-nuptial night. You are staying in the Ivy Suite, so you should go there and try to sleep through your excitement.

The Bit With I Do

The next morning, Evie will arrive in your room to help you prepare. She’ll be carrying anything you’ve given to her so you can get her and yourself ready. You should make sure any other companions you have brought with you are wearing your choice of outfit. After giving you your breakfast, Evie will confess that Diren and Gwen have disappeared and she’s worried that they have stormed off on your special day. You should go with her to look for them. Asking around in the hall, one of the servants will direct you to search the broom cupboards. Look in there and find Gwen and Diren in a passionate embrace. Speak to either and they will disappear, embarrassed, and rush off to change for the ceremony. They will meet you in the chapel, as will Arnie. Make your way now with Evie to the Chapel of Dibella in Charborne Cove – it’s next to the servants’ cottage on the side of the lake. Speak to the priest to start the Joining Ceremony and after a minor interruption and a few fluffed lines, you are now officially hitched!

The Bit With The Reception

Back to Charborne Hall, and you’ll find the place full of guests, music, food and wine. Speak to everyone and then go back into the main hall for the speeches. Approach the table for the scripted sequence to begin. First a family friend will speak in lieu of Arnand’s father, and then Diren will say a few words. Piotr will read some of the most inappropriate and dreadful poetry ever, and then Arnand has his turn. During Arnand’s speech, Diren’s hypnosis will kick in and every time the word ‘one’ is spoken, he will fall to the floor; on two, he will get up, and on three, he shrieks that he can see a squasp! At that second, a corprus stalker appears and is at first mistaken for a drunken guest. In the ensuing chaos, Arnand disappears, and is last seen running off towards the broom cupboards. Gwen and Diren will follow. Go down into the unlit passage and if you’ve been observant, you’ll notice that there is a hidden door at the end of the corridor. This door has been blocked up to this point but now you may proceed into Charborne Caverns. You’ll find Evie just the other side of the door. Speaking to any of your companions now will activate the Companion Share feature, so you can give them weapons and armour if you’re carrying any.

The Bit With All The Zombies

Now we are firmly into the territory of the good old-fashioned dungeon crawl. You have a fair number of both corprus stalkers and (live) bandits to fight. Look out for a trap door and proceed to the lower level. Don’t try to attack Persia Stomperia when you see her in full pirate regalia at the bottom of the stairs. Talk to her instead, and she’ll tell you that she’s left her Grand Council job and is now working for the feared pirate Rolfgeir the Rancid. Your conversation will be interrupted by Crassius Curio, who is researching his new play. At first he too will refuse to let you past, but is easily frightened when threatened by Diren and gratefully escapes when Persia returns.

You can either offer to persuade the Duke to give Persia her old job back, or suggest that she can be the pirate captain if she helps you defeat Rolfgeir the Rancid. In either event, she’ll give you a unique shortsword. Without it, Rolfgeir cannot be killed. You can end the conversation and carry on past her now, killing off any corprus stalkers or bandits as you go.

Go through the trap door to the other part of the lower level, and look out for the flooded areas. Swim underwater to get to another area of the caverns. You’ll find Arnie standing on a ledge. Talk to him. Whoops – too late! Arnand has been stuck behind a magicka force and now you’re stuck too, but fortunately Gwen has figured a way out. Just as you are freed, however, Rolfgeir the Rancid turns up. This is your boss fight, but luckily you have your special blade. He will stop periodically to taunt you. If you give the correct comeback to each of his insults, he will lose 80% of his health. You can now fight him as normal. Finish him off and take his key. There’s yet another trap door, and this one leads to the Sea Level. You’ll find a chest with some gold in it that Rolfgeir’s key will open. Continue on, and you’ll see Persia and a couple of her non-violent pirate cronies standing near a treasure-laden pirate ship!

If you promised Persia that you would speak to the Duke, she’ll thank you and congratulate you, and that is the end of your story. You can mention her name to the Duke and he will agree to give her the old job back and she will return to her office in the Grand Council Chambers. If you promised her that she would be the new pirate captain, she will swear to serve you and promise that you can collect a share of her future spoils. Check back with her every week for a random reward.

The Bit At The End

Now that you have defeated Rolfgeir the Rancid, it is time to get back to the Hall. You’ve been gone so long that all of the guests have gone home, but you can stay on for a while if you like and enjoy your honeymoon. Arnand will mention in the topic ‘–our home–‘ that Charborne Hall is up for sale and by sheer coincidence the treasure recovered from Rolfgeir will more than cover the purchase cost. If you agree to buy it, Arnand will rush off to sort out the paperwork. Talk to the butler Varnan and he will ask for you to sign on your part of the deed. Arnand will then reappear wherever you left him. (If he ever erroneously disappears, just use the topic ‘where are you?’ to recover him from Eight Plates in Balmora.) Now that you are the proud owners of your new manor-house, you can choose a bedroom for quick-teleportation for your companions, in between hanging out at the Silver Fairy Inn or spending your treasure-money at the local trader.

The Bit After The End

You didn’t think we were going to leave it like that, did you? There are several quests scattered around Anticlere, and Arnand has some contracts (topic: Arnand’s contracts) that he’ll elicit your help with. They should all be perfectly self-explanatory.

2 Responses to “Dance of the Three-Legged Guar”

  1. Breton Hunk Companion Lite « Princess Stomper’s Site Says:

    […] is the ‘light’ version of Dance of the Three-Legged Guar – just adds the Arnand companion with limited functions and dialogue and no quest. It attaches […]

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